Star Charts Don't Help When You're Lost in Thought
by dmwebber
Summary: Shepard spends a night struggling with his feelings for Tali and the level of his responsibility toward the quarian people. First fanfic, written for a friend. Mild sexual innuendo.
1. Chapter 1

The whoosh of the medical bay's pressurized doors opening pulled Dr. Chakwas out of her reverie. Looking over her shoulder, she saw Shepard stripping out of his armor even as he strode over to one of the unoccupied beds and sat himself down.

"I'd have thought by now you would have figured out that debriefing usually takes place in the comm room," Chakwas chided gently, as she picked up her omni-tool for the examination. "Shall I grab my trauma kit as well? You seem to be in a bit of a panic. That's not like you, Commander."

"What? No. Sorry, Doctor. I'm just a little frustrated with myself. Apparently I was storming around the Rayya for the better part of an hour with an open cut and didn't realize it. I don't think I would have ever noticed it but Joker saw me come through the airlock and made a quip about me single-handedly wiping out the entire quarian civilization by doing community service."

Shepard put his hand between his neck and his shoulder, felt for the cut, and showed Dr. Chakwas the resultant bloodstain on his fingers.

"Well..." said Chakwas, gently fingering the skin around the wound, "I can't say how badly that will affect the Rayya's environmental systems, but it shouldn't take too long to clear out. The good news for you is that you were just grazed. No need to use any medigel. This won't take more than a couple stitches and a damp cloth to clean up, but what are you doing injured in the first place? I'd hardly expect Tali's trial to dissolve into a bar fight, unless you insulted the judge's mother."

"If only it were that simple" mused Shepard as he lowered his head. "Tali―The reason Tali was being tried for treason was because her father activated some geth aboard his lab ship, the Alarei. The geth took control of the vessel, and there were no survivors. We had to recapture the ship and find out what happened before the trial could continue. After we found her father's body, a geth hunter came from behind us and must have got a lucky shot off before Grunt took it out."

"I see you came through in one piece, but is Tali all right?"

"She's... holding up. I need to talk to her though, find out what I can do for her. I just want to get cleaned up before I go near her again."

"Lucky for us, Commander, your heart is always in the right place. It's just that your blood isn't right now." Dr. Chakwas swabbed Shepard's shoulder clean before saying, "This is going to sting when I count to three. One..."

"Hey!" winced Shepard as the needle entered his skin.

"Sorry," Chakwas chuckled. "It's something I used to do to Lt. Alenko. He was always so tense when he came in for treatment, and he would get too worked up when I needed him to relax. Thankfully, for all his biotic ability, he never saw that coming. Made my job easier. Now hold still."

It wasn't a moment before Dr. Chakwas was finished with her sewing and determined Shepard was fit for service again. "There. I've done what I can for you. Now you go see to Miss Zorah."

Shepard hopped down from the table, donned his shirt, picked up his armor and started for the door.

"Commander?"

"Yes, Doctor?"

"You won't be doing Tali much good if you go in wound up as you are. Remember to relax. Be stable if you want to give her any real support."

"Yes, Doctor."

The medical bay doors opened and closed with another whoosh as Shepard stepped out. Dr. Chakwas's eyes followed him as far as the elevator before she sat down at her desk and resumed her thoughts.


	2. Chapter 2

_Kal'Reegar may have been just stating facts, but he was right. She does deserve better than what she's getting._

Shepard opened his eyes and looked over to the clock beside his bed for the fifth time in ten minutes. 3:27 a.m. Earth-time. With a frustrated sigh, he rolled over and sat on the edge of the bed. There was just no more point in trying.

The events of the day were still replaying over and over in his mind: The admiralty board stripping Tali of her name, the anger he felt for having her character questioned like that, the utter helplessness as he embraced Tali and felt her shudder and sob. At the end of the trial, full of bile toward the whole courtroom proceeding, he'd stated that he was defending one of his own people instead of one of the quarian's. They had no more claim to her, after what they'd put her through.

_But she'll never give up on her people, and neither can I. Unfortunately, I can't be there to defend them if they start a pointless war. The Reapers are coming, probably sooner than later, and the quarians need to conserve their strength if they want to have a home to return to._

A message to that effect was sitting on his private terminal waiting to be sent back to the Rayya, once the Normandy finished crossing the Raheel-Leyya system and connected to a secure comm buoy on the other side of the mass relay. Shepard walked over to his desk, reviewed what he'd written, and decided to leave the letter alone. It was diplomatic enough, and made his point clearly. With a few quick keystrokes, he activated the intercom to the bridge.

"Joker, what's our ETA for the mass relay?" When nothing but radio silence answered back, Shepard tried again. "Joker?"

The color of Shepard's quarters shifted ever so slightly as EDI's graphical interface flared to life.

"Flight Lieutenant Moreau is currently asleep in his chair while the ship is on auto-pilot, Commander. I have no recorded observations of your time aboard the Migrant Fleet, but given the statistical improbability that you took time to rest during your visit, you yourself have not slept in the last 37 hours and 26 minutes. An 8-hour period of suspended consciousness is highly recommended, if you wish to maintain high levels of efficiency during operations."

"I'll try to keep that in mind. How long will it be before we hit the relay?"

"Proceeding at our current velocity, we should reach the mass relay in 2 hours and 14 minutes."

"Thanks, EDI."

With a wink, EDI's holographic display faded from view. Shepard walked across the room and gave another sigh as he leaned his back against the aquarium.

_I can't let them get into a war with the geth, and I don't want to have to choose between saving Tali's family and everyone else caught up in the Reapers' path. I'd save every quarian in the galaxy individually if I could though, if it would make her happy. I helped Kenn get out from under Harrot and off Omega. I helped―what was her name? Leah? Lia'vael. I helped get her out of trouble with C-Sec last time I was on the Citadel. That's two quarians, but I need to save 17 million._

Shepard reached up to rub his eyes and then brought his hands back down sharply, striking the wall behind him.

_It's always one or the other. The quarians, or the galaxy? Terra Nova, or Balak? The infrastructure, or the citizens? Ash, or Kaidan? I could never make that choice again. Heaven help me if I had to choose between Tali and... anything, really. Why can't this just be easy?_

Shepard brought his fist down against the wall again, louder this time, and the reverberating thud brought him to turn around. A thick layer of food pellets was floating on top of the water with all the fish congregated near the surface, swallowing their food with short gulps. Looking at where he'd been leaning against the wall, Shepard realized he'd been right next to the feeding controls.

_Ugh. If it's not neglect, it's overfeeding. Forget keeping the galaxy alive. I can't even save a fish tank._

Shepard gave one more weary look at the clock and headed for the elevator.

3:34 a.m.


	3. Chapter 3

Shepard thought better of walking about the CIC. Whenever there was little to do, his presence there tended to make the crew more nervous, rather than inspire productivity.

_If I'm going to inspire fear and awe, might as well do it during over a game of Skyllian Five. At least that way I can remind the crew I'm still human._

Pressing the button for the crew's quarters and stepping out of the elevator revealed the deck to be disappointingly still, however. The lights were off in the bunks, the mess, and the med bay.

Not quite ready to head down to Engineering, Shepard wandered over toward the forward battery. It was a place that offered a little hope for reprieve from his thoughts, if for no other reason than it was about the farthest point on the Normandy away from his sleepless cabin. That little comfort was enough, sometimes.

The console on the door was unlocked, so Shepard wasn't entirely surprised to find Garrus standing five feet in front of him when it opened.

"Just because I'm playing with a handicap," Garrus chuckled without turning around, "Doesn't mean you can get by with no beauty rest. I think you and I both know who needs it most."

Shepard stepped into the dimly-lit room and returned fire, "Says the man spending his night alone in a dark room, polishing his cannon."

"Ouch, Shepard."

"Heh. Sorry. You got me good last time, Garrus. Couldn't let you get the last word in twice. Seriously though," Shepard went straight-faced as he leaned forward on the rail, "The upgrades look impressive. How are the calibrations you were running coming along?"

"I just finished, actually."

"You're kidding. Feels like that took forever. I don't know what to say. Let me pour you a drink in celebration."

"Can't, Shepard. I need to start another round of calibrations before I hit the sack."

"Wait. What? You don't think they'll stand up against the Collectors' shields?"

"Oh, no it's not that. They're going to perform beautifully. You know the old saying though, 'Calibrate twice, shoot once.'"

Shepard sighed as he continued gazing out over the rail. "I can understand that, especially since we might only get one shot."

The ominous reminder lulled the two into a silence that lasted several minutes, interpolated only by the short beeps as the computer systems responded to Garrus's input commands.

"Things are a lot simpler when you're just looking through the scope, aren't they?" Garrus asked.

Shepard gave the slightest of nods, barely perceptible in the room's red light. "It's just you and your target. The only viewpoint that matters is the one you have lined up, and all you have to do is pull the trigger."

Garrus's fingers glided nimbly over his console for another minute before he stepped over to lean on the rail as well, and it was another moment before he spoke up. "You know, at one point late in my career, a wise man once taught me how to _not _pull the trigger, even when it seemed like a good idea to just spend the thermal clip and make your problems go away.

"I've never forgotten that advice, and while I don't know what's eating at you right now, I can't help but think you should just go for it. Take the shot. Whatever, whoever it is that's in your sights... it's probably time for you to make the move."

At first Shepard didn't appear to have heard. He just continued to stare out into space, but then gave a slow and deliberate nod. "You're probably right."

"So you'll go out there and punch it to them?"

"Yeah."

"Good, because I just set that round of calibrations going and wanted to lock the door behind me."

Shepard let out a dry laugh at this and stood up straight. "You know, when we get to hell I'm going to have to point you out as the man behind the scenes."

"Well, of course. Somebody had to be standing there, watching your back."

The two men shared a smile and stepped out of the room, clapping each other on the shoulder. Behind them, the door to the battery shut closed as they walked silently down the corridor.


	4. Chapter 4

Shepard had no idea how long he'd been standing at the top of the stairwell, but was thankful for the delay the second set of doors provided between the elevator and Engineering. Taking one last deep breath, rolling his shoulders, and cracking his neck, he stepped through...

...and was struck dumbfounded at the sight of Tali.

On the surface, there was nothing out of the ordinary. She was just typing away at her terminal, doing things with the Normandy's systems that the teams who built the ship probably couldn't understand. Nevertheless, like countless other times, Shepard couldn't help but stare, and the sweep of his eye followed every curve of hers from the long, graceful swoop of her neck, along her straight but supple spine, down to her marvelous―

"Quite the view, don't you think?" Ken Donnely piped in from the other side of the room. "Gabby's on to me, so I have to make do with peripheral vision. If I ever turned to take it all in, she'd have a clear shot at the back of my head."

"Ow!" Ken shouted, in response to a distinctive thump.

"Doesn't stop me from punching you in the arm, Kenneth."

"Oh, so you like it rough, Gabby? Why didn't you just say so..."

Gabby grumbled something inaudibly but made no further retort.

"What are you two talking about?" Tali asked. She didn't stop her work until she turned to look at them and saw something out of the corner of her mask. "Shepard! What can I do for you?"

Shepard didn't respond immediately, as he remained lost in thought.

_Just stay here, Tali. With me. That's all I could ever want of you, and even that would be a gift far too large for me to even ask it._

Tali's expression revealed nothing during the short pause, but she cocked her head to the side in a curious fashion, waiting for an answer.

_She's so beautiful, but what was that Kelly told me about her body language? Because right now she's just kind of―_

Shepard gave a small start and shook his head to clear his mind, looking at Tali with a sense of determination. "Have you got time to talk?"

"For you?" she asked. "Of course."

A tired, but honest, smile crept across Shepard's face.

_Oh, what I wouldn't give to make everything else go away. No more Collectors, no more Reapers, no more war. It's not going to happen though. And if I ever have to choose, I'm going to choose you, Tali, and it won't be at the expense of everything else. I'll build a home for your people. Rannoch is going to reverberate with the sound of quarian laughter, but we'll save the galaxy as well._

_I'll do anything. I'd do it all... for you, of course._


End file.
